Labels: personal, pictures

I've been having a whole series of freaking bizarre dreams recently. The stuff I've been dreaming about is just so crazy and weird. Especially my dreams of Jason, which aren't very often, but when they happen every now and then, they're just so horrible. Jason's not a bad boyfriend at all but for some inexplicable reason, he's just an absolute prick in my dreams.

Jason is no where near a prick or an arsehole, of course. He's been very good to me and he's been a very good boyfriend but I just don't quite understand why he morphs into this monstrous jerk in my dreams. Don't get me wrong, I'm not superstitious and I definitely don't believe that my dreams are telling me something.

However, I do wonder if my dreams are a blunt depiction of how I view my relationship with Jason and how I really feel about it. Am I really so insecure as to dream such terrible things about him?

It's just that my relationship with Jason has been such that there's been hardly any friction, no bumps on the road, almost too perfect, in my opinion. And it's so scary because it just seems almost too good to be true. Sometimes, I wonder, what if something really drastic and dramatic happens one day and things explode and self-destruct? I wouldn't be able to handle it. I've had my world fall apart so many times.. I really don't want to go through it again! Please!

So I go all bitchy and pissy at him randomly, and pick fights with him and throw a tanty or cry and make him upset for no reason. It's my way of consoling myself that hey, at least there is some form of friction between us.. and that yes, we do have problems. But in reality, I'm the one with the problem.

I'm fully aware of the fact that I'm being completely pessimistic and cynical.. and quite frankly, I can't help it. It's my insecurity problem. And it's not so easy to change, ok? And I'm already trying my best to control my thoughts and feelings. But still.. I have all these stupid dreams to remind me of my apprehension and it makes me doubtful all over again.

I tell him all my dreams, of course.. every single one of them.
And most of the time, we end up laughing about them afterwards.

Labels: boyfriend, dreams, personal

Elliot's right. This song is possibly one of the best written songs by John Mayer. The lyrics are just so deep and intellectual. I think I like John Mayer even more now.

I'm not alone, I wish I was.
Cause then I'd know, I was down because
I couldn't find, a friend around
To love me like, they do right now.
They do right now.

I'm dizzy from the shopping malls
I searched for joy, but I bought it all
It doesn't help the hunger pains
and a thirst I'd have to drown first to ever satiate

Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
Something's missing
And I don't know what it is
At all

When autumn comes, it doesnt ask.
It just walks in, where it left you last.
And you never know, when it starts
Until there's fog inside the glass around your summer heart:

Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
Something's missing
And I don't know what it is
At all

I can't be sure that this state of mind, is not of my own design
I wish there was an over the counter test, for loneliness.
For loneliness like this.

Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
Something's missing
And I don't know what it is
No I don't know what it is
Something's different
And i don't know what it is
No I don't know what it is

Friends -check-
Money -check-
A well slept -check-
Opposite sex -check-
Guitar -check-
Microphone -check-
Messages waiting for me, when i come home -check-

How come everything I think I need, always comes with batteries
What do you think it means

I think this is what you call a quarter-life crisis. I say quarter-life because I'm not where near middle-age-hood. Oh heck, I'm not even 20 yet.

This is the period where you find yourself wondering about the meaning of life and your purpose in life. When you ponder about why you feel so unhappy even though you seem to have all your needs fulfilled. This is the time when you sit down and think about what is missing and why you are so desperate to try and fill your hollow heart.

That's how I feel anyway.

I think I'm still on that whole soul-searching process.

I am currently in the midst of my final exams and so far, I think I might actually achieve my target of getting at least a B+ average across all my four subjects. Although, one should never be too complacent or arrogant.. I dare say that I'm doing relatively well this semester. I think flunking that one accounting paper last semester really gave me a good old wake up call. And so, this is my present short-term purpose in life.. to achieve and graduate with the best possible grades. Also, if life permits me, I'd love to be like Keith - an excellent PhD student with a large cock.

Labels: life, lyrics, ramblings, varsity

x0x

Labels: boyfriend

I'm hoping to be joining some sort of bible study group soon. I'm not really interested in varsity groups at the campus nor am I very interested in the youth groups at church. I want something a little more serious and something that will shake me and make me smile again.

I think I've come to a point in my life where things are pretty much falling apart again. Not externally but within myself. I think that if I want to continue to live, I'll have to make some drastic changes. Every time I hit a crisis, I find myself running back to God. It's always made me feel better because those problems were always external and always beyond my control.

But this time.. it's different. This time, the crisis is within me and within my control. Perhaps, it's time to emerge from my hermit crab shell and stop running away from my problems.

Labels: personal

These days, there are so many interpretations of love. There are so many ways to express love. There are so many different definitions and descriptions of what love is, what is feels like and how to love.

I disagree with most of them, of course.

For starters, I don't believe in falling in love. I don't believe in falling out of love. I also do not believe in love at first sight.

When it comes to matters of the heart, I am probably about one the most unromantic and cynical people you'll ever meet. (:

But that doesn't mean I don't believe in love. I do believe that there is such a thing as love. I believe it exists very much so in this world. I also believe that there are people out there who truly love other people.

My idea of love is probably considered rather conventional and almost wharped, compared to 21st century standards and modern theories and beliefs.

I agree that love is unconditional. I agree that it can grow as time goes on. However, I also believe that love is a choice. Love does not come naturally.

All that stuff I said before about falling in love, falling out of love and love at first sight is not really love, in my opinion.. but more of romance and possibly lust/attraction. You cannot love a person you meet the first time because you do not know them for who they are by what they look like or appear to be like. You cannot love a person one day and decide not to love that same person another day.

You can, however, choose to love a person unconditionally. Even if the person does not love you back. Even if the person has done many many things or said many many things that hurt you like crazy. You can still love that person because you want to.
You can, also, grow to love a person. As time goes on, as you build a relationship with that very person, you can slowly and steadily grow to love him/her more and more each day.

It's innate in us to be able to love, yes. But love doesn't come naturally. Not in my opinion, anyway. Because if that was the case, then it would be an absolute paradox. We choose to love.

You can love a person you do not like.
You can love a person you like very much.

It's sort of like living life, in a sense, you choose to open your eyes every morning when you know it's time to wake up. You choose to be alive and you choose to live. It's the same principle with love, I reckon. You choose to love. Even if it may suck at times, you do it anyway because you want to.

Images: Gettyimages

Labels: life, love, people, personal, relationships, romance, thoughts

I got attacked by one tonight.. for the most stupid reasons, of course. And the worse bit is that it sort of infected the rest of the people on my MSN list too. I have alot of people on my MSN list so I'm assuming the damage caused to be quite significiant. I feel so rotten about it. Sometimes, it's not good having people like me on your MSN list.

It was super damn annoying too. But it's all fixed now. Thanks to Randy Smyth, who still helped me, despite the fact that I haven't spoken to him for a year. Also to Jason, who rushed over straight away to fix the rest of the problem.

Images: Google

Labels: computer

If a slave escaped, he had to live the life of an outlaw, with organized bands of slave hunters on his track. A fugitive slave was a criminal, for he had stolen himself.

Labels: history

Today was officially the last day of lectures, which sort of signifies the last day of uni for the year, excluding the upcoming exams. It's amazing how time flies so very quickly. Very soon, I will no longer be a first year uni-student. Soon, I'll have to graduate, enter the much dreaded workforce and face the harsh realities of life. Not so soon, I'll be old and weak, with wrinkly skin, saggy boobs, white hair and cellulite on my thighs.

To make matters more depressing, I had the most unpleasant bus ride today. Not only, was the bus driver a bit of a jerk - speeeeeeding and breaaaaaaking throughout the entire journey from the city center to the Northshore - but also, the passengers were definitely one of the most inconsiderate bunch of people I've ever encountered during a bus ride. I was sitting at the back of the bus, up the small flight of stairs. It was when we were on the highway that I noticed a lady standing on the bus. There were empty seats around me so I was a bit surprised to find another passenger standing in the bus. I pointed it out to Jason and he said that she had a pram. I couldn't see the pram, of course, since I'm quite short. Anyway, I wondered why none of the people around her offered to let her have their seat! Especially the person sitting next to the pram. It just really pissed me off. How can anyone sitting in the front feel okay about a lady having to stand on the bus with a pram? What the hell is wrong with people these days? If I could have given up my seat, I would have. But it was pointless because I was sitting at the back of the bus and there was no way she was going to be able to maneuver the pram up the stairs and through the small aisle to my seat. I honestly wanted to slap every single one of the young folks sitting in the front. I also wanted to slap the driver for driving like a madman.

It's plain basic courtesy, in my opinion, and unfortunately, no one on the bus had much of that today.

I think the world is deteriorating.

One day, we're going to end up as dead as the ancient roman empire.

Images: Gettyimages

Labels: people, ramblings, society

When one gets increasingly unhappy, what should one do?

Click the image below to enlarge and zoom in.
No, I'm not talking abt the dance. I'm talking about the comic strip. I've been reading quite a bit of foxtrot lately. It's so funny, in my opinion. But of course, hardly anyone I know shares my sense of humour! ):

Images: Foxtrot

Labels: comics, humour, personal

I think I'm going a bit crazy. I've been listening to nothing but Jack Johnson's "In Between Dreams" for the last two weeks.. over and over and over again. I love it so much that I've become addicted to his voice. It's almost creepy, isn't it? Well, thankfully, I don't dream about him.
I'm so shagged, I'm practically dozing off right this moment. But I can't go to bed yet because I'm waiting for my hair to dry. Ugh.
I didn't get home till about after 11pm this evening. I don't usually go towning this late, especially, in the middle of the week but I had a special reason today.
I'm feeling quite happy with myself this week. I've fixed all my social problems and most of my schoolwork problems. I've also managed to come up with a solution to my job problem.. so I'm really quite satisfied with life at the moment.
I was blog-surfing around the other day, and I found something rather interesting. A french artist, Miss Van, and her Galerie Magda Danysz. Her artwork has been described as mysterious, thought-provoking, equivocal and erotic. There's also alot of Japanese influence in her artwork. Most of her pieces are centered around femininity, the imagery of physical and emotional aspects of women, girls and other females. They are somewhat provocative and sensual and also very very bizzare.
In my opinion, the art's a bit crazy and creepy all at the same time. You can't help but get stucked into the whole entire image itself. I find myself thinking about it and wondering about it.. trying to figure it out, trying to understand it, trying to make some sense of it. It's weird but perhaps, that's exactly how it's meant to be? I suppose the only people that will be able to empathize with me are the men and boys. How often have you found yourself staring at your woman, trying to understand her, trying to figure her out? How often have you found yourself thinking and wondering about her? How often have you found yourself completely clueless after all the thinking? Well, that's exactly how I feel when I look through Miss Van's gallery.

Oh, I just love the colour. (:

Images: Galerie Magda Danysz ; Blackjettas

Labels: art, ramblings, thoughts, women

Oi Lienda
Bella che fa?
Bonita, bonita que tal?
But belle
Je ne comprends pas français
So you'll have to speak to me
Some other way

Labels: lyrics, music, personal

Lately, I've noticed that a lot of people out there are super conscious about their weight. The desire to lose those extra pounds or work off the extra few inches of fat is very very strong. People frequent the gyms, try every possible diet out there and do crazy exercises just so they can obtain the ultimate and optimum body of their choice.
But the truth is, most people out there don't really look all that bad. So you may be a little overweight or just seem a bit bigger than the person next to you.. but so what?

People these days are becoming more and more extreme. You have the totally obese folks who look like massive blops of fat. Then you have the crazy chopsticks who are either anorexic or bulimic or both. You also have the moderately extreme cases.. for instance, girls who are a tad overweight, wearing tight fitting clothes that show off their midrifts or rather, "flabby floats". I mean, you can see it both ways really - they are either super blind or super confident.

I blame it on the media, of course.. and also this crazy superficial culture that all of us modern day homo sapiens have adopted. We see a fat person and scorn. We approve of someone with a lean and sexy body. We mock obese people and shake our heads at the anorexic. We roll our eyes at fat girls in tight clothes but drool over skinny girls with miniskirts. It's almost as though it's an unspoken rule: "Being thin is the way to go. Being thin is attractive." But then, when things get too extreme such as in the case of anorexic and bulimic kids, we turn the tables and tell them that being chubby is okay and really, the most important thing is being healthy and fit.. "Size doesn't matter at all."

Whatever la.

I find this all kind of sad. We're confusing ourselves by setting these crazy standards. I dare say that even I've been affected by this whole weight issue. People look at me and tell me I'm too thin.. so they want me to put on some weight. But if I were fat, wouldn't they want me to lose some weight? So what do they want really? Quite frankly, I'm quite happy with the way I am right now. I don't believe I'm too thin.. and neither do I think I'm fat. As long as I'm healthy and fit.. I should be fine.

Yeah right.

Images: My Fashion Life ; Jean Paul Gaultier

Labels: media, ramblings, weight

In the last 12 months, I've had 2 wonderful job offers.

The first one was a retail assistant at giftshop. I worked there for about 6 months or so, wrapping presents, managing the till and serving customers. It was an easy Saturday 9-5 job. The pay was less than average but I enjoyed it because I had a really cool workmate and I loved wrapping presents. Gift shops are full of pretty and colourful things so it was fun because I, too, like pretty and colourful things.

Today, I got another job offer as an assistant flourist. I'm really keen to accept it because I love flowers and I've always wanted to work in a flower shop. Flowers are pretty and colourful things and they always make me smile. This job will probably be a lot easier and more fun than my first job. The pay is still less than average but I'd love to pick up the skill and have the experience. The hours are Saturday 9-3, which isn't bad at all. Plus, I don't have to travel as far as I used to. I'm really tempted to accept it but I'm not sure if I should because there's a bit of an issue with ethics..

ARGH.

I know I'm very blessed to have had such nice job offers in a span of less than 12 months and I'm also thankful that I've been spared the agony of job-hunting and writing CVs.

But I can't help feeling a little depressed at the thought of having to deal with ethics all the time.

I guess I haven't really had it all that easy.

Labels: personal, thoughts, work

I received this damn funny email from my Mom about some event that took place in the old parliament house in Singapore. It's a short video by talkingcock.com with Hossan Leong singing about Singapore. The jokes may seem a bit crude and politicially incorrect but they're so blatantly honest, you can't help but laugh along.
I think it's good that despite the fact that Singapore's faced some pretty harsh criticisms from people all over the world, yet Singaporeans are still able to laugh at themselves for some of the crazy stuff that has happened in the past.

Well, we all need a little humour in life.

Labels: culture, humour, Singapore