I'm switching to a new location.

I've decided that Wordpress beats Blogger.

x0x

Labels: personal

I know that this is super duper thick-skinned.
But just to make life easier for everyone and myself included..
I have decided to compile a list of things I'd like to have for my upcoming birthday. This is specifically for my close friends and family who are racking their brains for gift ideas.

1. Made in NZ pure merino wool tops from Glassons
2. Pink Reebok boxing gloves
3. Bedroom slippers Thank you, Shana!
4. Borders pencil case (with a zip) Thank you, T'so!
5. Pajama pants set Thank you, Mumsies!
6. Gray flat boots I got black ones for myself instead!
7. White ribbon shoes Thank you, Audrey!

Other things that I like: plushies, printed teeshirts, old CDs and bags.

Much love and thanks!

x0x

Image: Gettyimages

Labels: personal

Is it just me? Or does everyone feel the same?













The world isn't the same anymore.
Life isn't the same anymore.
And the people? What about them?

It just seems like there's hardly any good left in the this world.
Chaos and catastrophes in societies around the globe.
Natural disasters are becoming a more frequent occurrence.
Is this a sign?

People are a lot more selfish these days.
Driven by their own pursuits of happiness.
They have become irrational, obsessive and hungry for self-gratification.
Is this a sign?

And what about me?
How have I changed?

Image: Magnificent World

Labels: personal

People often give excuses (lame excuses) for not having enough time to do this and that.

"Oh, I'm too busy."

"Oh, I've had alot on my mind lately."

"Oh, I really don't have enough time."

Blah.

Blah.

Blah.

But when it really comes to something or someone that matters, there are never any excuses - regardless of how genuninely busy they are or how trivial the matter is.

People will make time for things that actually matter to them.

And I'm definitely one of these people.

Which is super sad, I think.

Because people like myself, fail to realize that what is important to us.. may not necessarily be that important.

Which brings me to the subject of God.

Do I make enough time for God in my life?

If I have time for friends, family, boyfriend & schoolwork.. then why don't I have enough time for God?

Why am I not making time for God in my life?

Image: Gettyimages

Labels: personal

I am officially depressed again.













Image: Carola

Labels: personal

Okay, so it was my not-so-happy birthday yesterday! ):

I was actually feeling rather down and out because of my birthday. I really don't like the fact that we all have to grow old and face this whole drama of our bodies deteriorating slowly over time. It's not that I'm afraid of growing old or dying. In fact, I don't mind dying right now.. but I just don't like having to go through the process of age-ing. It just sounds like utter misery to me. Well, this is probably the one and only change that I do not welcome in my life.

I also felt rather unhappy because I suddenly realized how wrong or how right I've been about my social surroundings. People who I didn't really care about.. actually cared about me. People who I do care about.. don't actually care about me.. AND people who I thought cared about me.. don't care at all. It felt so bittersweet, this taste, stinging the back of my tongue. I know it's rather selfish of me to think about ME ME ME all the time. But like I just couldn't shake this feeling of being treated like garbage or a used piece tissue. It hurt.

There is nothing more I hate than someone who lies to me. As a matter of fact, I hate lying to people too. So I try my best to keep my lies to my minimum. I think I'm okay with white lies because they're pretty much harmless.. but when it comes to real lying.. it stabs me in the heart because suddenly, my whole outlook on you, as a person, somehow begins to disintegrate. And I feel regret. Sorry that I ever knew you. Sorry that I ever liked you. Sorry that I even considered you as a friend. I'm not like God. I don't have His forgiving nature. I don't give people second chances. Because once you tell me a real lie, I cannot walk away and forget about it.

They say that there's always a reason for lying. And you should let it go if it's a good one. But what people don't realize most of the time is that the so-called good reason is another lie in itself. It just seems plausible because this second lie is much better than the first.

I think he was trying to justify himself.
To paint himself in good light.
Maybe he didn't want me to feel hurt and sad.
But he also wanted to make himself feel better about it.
Or worse, he probably didn't even realize any of it.

You know, I may be young, but I'm not stupid enough to not be able to detect a lie.

Labels: people, personal

It's so sad that the two-week Easter break has finally come to an end. I love lazy days and nothing-to-do-moments. To me.. that is ultimate peace and tranquility! (:

SOME 10 WONDERFUL THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO ME IN THE LAST 14 DAYS

1. Rekindled my love for music from the 60s. Such as Dionne Warwick's Walk On By!

2. Completed all set tasks for the holidays including revision, research, assignments etc.

3. Dad bought me a black-hooded paddington coat! Made in Italy; cashmere & wool. $169!

4. Watched a ton of anime. I've completed Karin & Futakoi. Still in the middle of Deathnote and Yamato though. But oh, I love Usuki Kenta!

5. Did alot of shopping in Takapuna, Dressmart, Fox Outlet Center & Sylvia Park! Made some decent purhcases too.

6. Celebrated Mom's birthday!

7. Met up with an old classmate of mine from WGC, Kellie Barley, who came to visit. Haven't seen her since I left Wellington!

8. Discovered Facebook. I blame it on Farrah Isaac!

9. Was reunited with Lode Runner; an old-school game which I used to play for hours and hours in my primary school days!

10. Made a collage full of all the sticky photos I've taken with family and friends in the last 2 years. It's so pretty and pink!

Anyway! These holidays have been anything but boring.
Can't wait for the next batch of holidays (late June to mid July) because I might be heading to Melbourne for a week or so to visit friends and do some Aussie shopping.

Am feeling so very happy with myself today.

I love my life! (:

Labels: life, personal

It seems to me, that in the last decade, a series of unfortunate events have been taking place rather specifically (either) on American soil (or) something to do with America.. as in the US of A. And as the leading power and anchor country, the USA has influenced the rest of the world in many many ways. It started out with the 911; followed by the Iraq war and now, Virginia Tech.
The consequences of such catastrophes are humongous, in my opinion. And we're all very much affected by it.

Looking back now, I can't help but feel upset at the thought of how so many innocent people have lost their lives or love ones in the process. It just seems so meaningless and so stupid.

However, I reckon it's even more devastating to note the aftermath. That these terrible things are turning the whole world upside down; tearing people apart; creating more conflict than ever before.

People hate the the suicide bombers.
People hate the leaders of the war.
People hate the mass murderer.

And people transform into vendettas as a result of this, bearing this bitter grudge and because they believe that they should do something in revenge to satisfy their hearts. Hence, they decide go out and do even more damage; thinking that their actions are justified.

It's almost like a war, don't you think?

People find a way to blame someone else for that bad something that has happened in their lives..

SO..

They blame religion. The Muslims; the Jews; the Christians.

They blame race. Hence, the racial riots in Sydney, UK etc

They blame the government. Refer to the list of assassinated presidents in the USA in the past.

We sterotype and group people according to their differences and blame them; discrimminate against them; fight them.. maybe even kill them.

And it's a never-ending story!

The injustice grows.
The discrimmination becomes more apparent than ever.
And the conflict deepens between people of different races, religions and political views.

That instead of trying to get through these trials and tribulations together, helping each other out and comforting each other.. we turn against each other and hurt each other.

At the end of the way, we're really no better than those who did those terrible things to us.

Our hearts are just way too violent.

Image: Shana

Labels: personal, society, world

1. I make faces at myself in front of the bathroom mirror just to see what I'd look like with a distorted face.

2. I like to play with Jason's leg hair. It annoys the hell out of him.

3. If you're meeting me for the first time, it'll take me more or less 5 minutes to decide whether or not I like you.

4. I have to chew most food at least 30 times before I swallow it.

5. I can't do pull-ups at all.

6. My second toe is taller than my big toe.


I was tagged by Jiewei.. so now, I shall spread the love by tagging Audrey, X and Swan! (:

Labels: personal

You know how when someone says something so very hurtful to you.
Or when something not so pleasant happens.

You can't help but feel so much hurt inside.

It's like a pen knife has been pierced right through your heart.
And the pain is so overwhelming, it makes you cry.
You cry till your eyes go red and sore.
And your cheeks are stained and stiff.

You just want to sort of.. die, in a way.
You want your body to disintegrate with the dust in the air.
And you want your heart to break into a million pieces, so that you'll never be able to feel again.

如果我明天失踪,请你不要担心!

Labels: personal

The first week of uni has come and gone.

And I'm working a full-load.

I'm somewhat happy, I think.

Because I love my choice of papers.

Because I have something to do.

Although at the same time, I feel like there's something bugging me.

Something's just not right.. somewhere.

Well, whatever it is.. it's driving me mad.

I'm-oh-so-exhausted.

Labels: personal

Sometimes, you make me feel so inexplicably and deliriously happy.

But it's on only days like these..
that you make me feel so downright unhappy.

And it seems to be happening increasingly so lately.

Ah well, what can I say?

I'm faltering again..

Labels: personal

It's strange, isn't it? Knowing that a year has gone by just like that. Knowing that now, you're right smack at the starting point of yet another year. You wonder about how time just went by like that, in a blink of an eye. And you wonder if this year will go by just as quickly as the year before. You think about how you're going to be a year older and maybe even a year wiser!

I did a bit of reflection today and some reading as well:


And it just hit me that perhaps, it's really not that hard to be a happy person, is it? That I've really been looking for happiness in the wrong places. That really, all it takes is to make one choice; a lifestyle choice. There are 2 ways you can live. So what will it be?

And it also hit me that perhaps, it was probably because I tried so hard to be happy, that I ended up even more miserable than ever. Because happiness should be come naturally to a person. I have been so unhappy with so many things and with so many people. I was angry and bitter so often, always frowning and frequently crying over spilt milk.

And I wonder if I've really strayed so far to the point that it has made me into a totally different person from before. And I wonder if it's too late to turn back now and try to walk that straight path again.. and maybe even find some meaning and purpose in life again.

Because the darkness can be so scary sometimes and yet so comforting at the same time because no one will be able to see how mangled you've become.

Yet, you know that you can't live in the darkness forever.
So when the light calls out to you.. you run to it.

Anyway, I hope that this year will be a lot better than the last - a happier and healthier year, full of love and laughter! (:

Labels: personal

Honestly, people like me should remain single and isolated forever.

Because I'm so hard to please, I've made my own life a living hell.

But of course, the inner being within me will continually refuse to accept spinsterhood.

Because I hate sleeping alone in the dark.

Labels: personal

My thoughts are a mess at the moment:
Sometimes, I just find it so hard to cope with imperfections. I find it so hard to accept another's imperfections. I try not to bear a grudge and hold it against them. Other times, I just find it so hard to cope with my imperfections. And I really try not to rage over it.

But more often than not, I find myself in an extremely bittersweet disposition.

I don't know if it's entirely my fault. That it's because of my nature - my unforgiving and intolerant nature - that has led me to be so unhappy with so many different people at times.

When I think about how thoughtless a person is. It angers me.

When I think about how inconsiderate a person is. It enrages me.

When I think about how rude a person is. It just pisses me off.

When I think about how stupid a person is. It just makes me mad.

When I think about how a person doesn't even realize how thoughtless/inconsiderate/rude/stupid he or she has been.
It annoys me even more.

How can any one person possibly act and behave in such a foul manner and yet not even realize the consequence or effect of his/her actions on him/herself and on the others around him/her?

How can a person like that even exist?

It just never ceases to amaze me.

Labels: people, personal

I must say that I don't think much of myself as a friend. I don't particularly come across as the best sort of person to befriend. I don't offer very much as a friend, in terms of help, support and care. But I try anyway, to be a friend, nonetheless, to anyone who may need one at any one point in their life.

I won't really say I have many friends, to be honest. I think there's a difference between knowing a lot of people and actually having a lot friends. My aunt once said to me that it is always better to have a few good friends, then to have a whole lot of friends. I know she's right.

So like I said before, I don't have many friends. But, however, I do think that I have some very good friends. I can think of about 5 right now, off the top of my head. I'm pretty selective and judgemental so I guess that's why it's so hard for me to befriend a person properly. I have my own agenda, just like everyone else. It's a very high-and-mighty sort of attitude, sort of a bit like saying, "If I like you enough, you qualify as a friend."

And I'm quite selfish too, when it comes to friends. I don't offer much but when it comes to spending time together or communicating with each other, I expect it to be just between me and that friend. I just want the whole person to myself at that moment in time. I don't do well in groups either, as you've probably noticed. I'm not much of a group person. But I really do value the time spent with any one friend at any specific occasion.

Anyway, in the last week or so, I've sort of broken out of my comfort zone, in terms of forging (new) friendships. Like I told Jason last night, I've made a brand new set of friends as of this week. It's a big deal to me because it's never happened this quickly before.

Firstly, because it's a group of people.
Secondly, because they're different from the usual people that I'm used to.
Thirdly, because I met them at church.
It's funny because I've never really wanted to be part of a group anymore. Well, ever since I left SMSS, anyway. I did try again at WGC but I gave up soon after. I guess I'd just had enough of 'hanging out' in a group. I don't think it's silly or stupid. I just thought it was tiresome. But this new group of people I've found are actually quite good together. And they're different because you just know that they are genuine. They stay together through fun times and serious moments. They're not perfect, of course. None of us are. But I find that when I'm with them, I don't find myself doing my usual sieving or judging or analysis. Because all I've done in the past is sieve my way through the many crowds of people I meet and judge and analyse each of them before coming to a conclusion - do I want to be friends with so-and-so?

And I suppose it's partly because they're christian, which is why everything is pretty much positive. And I really like that - optimism in life. I've never been active in the christian church community and I don't think it's very important that I get active either. It's not a priority in my life. But I do know that befriending a couple of christians will definitely be good for me. Besides, it wouldn't hurt me. Like I told Elliot on the way home last Friday when he asked me what I thought of the group, "I've never really been part of a youth group before. So I don't know what to do and I don't know what to say. But I don't mind it at all. I quite like it actually."

In the past, I've never really thought much of church people. Why should I? They're just people, like everyone else. And I've had some pretty bad experiences with church people too, which somewhat put me off the whole idea of 'getting involved with various church activities'. But it's time for me to stop judging and stop acting like a snob. After all, I'm not that perfect either and I'm rather ashamed as well to note that I've been a pretty bad walking-representation of the faith itself.

Anyway, we went out to yumchar as a group last Friday.
And this week, Thursday evening, we're going to have a steamboat and Korean hotplate bqq dinner at Nancy's house.

Sounds fun, I guess.

Images: Gettyimages, unknown

Labels: friends, people, personal

It's tough being christian.

I think I've slipped away quite a lot in the last 18 years of my life. I've drifted away, then come back on track again, then run away, and run back again.

It's been one vicious cycle.

I don't think there's any good reason for my slipping away. Because the truth is that I've been completely self-absorbed and self-orientated. I'm not going to defend myself and say that everything I've done is right and that I feel no guilt nor regret because that would be utterly untrue. I've done plenty wrong and will continue to make many mistakes.

It's not a sin to love youself, I guess.
However, I do think it's a sin to believe that the world revolves around you.

I've been extremely selfish and I've done numerous things purely for the benefit of myself and at the expense of others.

I've said alot of things that have hurt people too, things which were totally uncalled for and things which were nothing but pure lies.

I've also done things which are just plain wrong.

I've had debates and arguments about what is right and what is wrong. My idea of right/wrong is relative to what I believe in, or believe to be right/wrong, and how they measure up against my values. It's all been so very wharped because I've been so very wharped.

But that's all going to change, I hope.

I reckon I've sort of dug a hole for myself and brought all this misery upon myself because of my lack of knowledge and my lack of willingness to open up and receive.

I don't like being depressed and confused and I don't like crying myself to sleep all the time.

So this last week, I decided to stop putting things on hold.. to stop talking (something which I'm so good at doing) and start acting (something which I've failed to do so again and again).

ANYWAY, this time, I'm for real, eh?

No more sitting on the fence.
No more "Hey, I'm trying really hard. Give me another chance."
Because it's pathetic.

All I've been doing is walking around with this nice 'christian' label plastered all over me. But the reality is that I'm far from what I profess to be.

So I want to change.

Even if it means that I'm going to have to make some very difficult and painful choices.

Would you rather have nothing and feel peace within or have everything and feel unhappy?

I'd rather give up everything here and now.
I'd rather lose it all, to be honest.

And for once, I'm dead serious.

Images: Gettyimages

Labels: personal

Like every woman, I have wants and I have needs. And like every human, I look for these wants and needs in fellow humans, especially men, but more specificially - one man.

I WANT THIS BOYFRIEND:
1. Older than me. I don't like younger guys. Their immaturity pisses me off.
2. Must be on standby to open any glass jars, tin cans and air-tight juice bottles all the time.
3. Taller than me. DUH? I'm already as short as hell.
4. Big eyes. Just for the hell of it. Since I like them.
5. Fit and healthy with great stamina. I want high energy levels.
6. Sensible shopping partner who will stop me from purchasing silly things.
7. Ability to cook because I can't.
8. Intellectual. Because I get bored real fast.
9. Smart with money. Because I'm not.
10. Must have fairly good sense of direction - just because I do.
11. Drive a car. Because I don't.
12. Please be a reader. Nothing pisses me off more than a person who is stupid and doesn't read anything. Oh, please, grow up!
13. Tech-savvy. Otherwise, you're uncool.
14. Anime otaku. Otherwise, you're even more uncool.
15. Clean in many different aspects. I hate facial hair.
16. Even-tempered and easygoing. Just because I'm not.
17. Good travel buddie.
18. Please love food because I don't.
19. Don't ever stop me from going to church.
20. Tolerant of all my whiny speeches, bitchy PMS tantrums and silly-billy act-cute-ness annoying moments.
21. Trustworthy, polite, respectful, considerate, supportive, honest and committed. (Try saying that all in one breath!)

Okay, that's all I can come up with for the moment.
I'm sure I'm missing something though.

ANYWAY.

If you know anyone like that, please email me.
If you are like that, also, please email me.

And I shall bags you forever! (:

---

mMm.. I wonder what Audrey's list is like.

Labels: personal

Audrey and I were feeling rather depressed today. Neither of us drive so obviously, we couldn't really go anywhere. And to make matters worse, public transport in Auckland sucks so we had no choice but to use our good legs and walk to the nearest mall. Honestly, it's so pathetic, okay? We live in confined freedom, partly by choice, and partly by circumstances. So both of us went to Milford Mall and walked around twice before we left for home. We were barely there for even a hour. I wanted a second opinion on a pair of shoes. Negative. I wanted to sign up for a new plan for my cellphone. But the guy said I needed two forms of ID, which I did not have and still don't. Then I dropped in at the flower shop to say hi to the boss. After which, both of us were thirsty so we got smoothies at the little store. Left the mall and walked all the way home in the freaking hot sun.

I'm such a sad tart. It's the holidays and I haven't had the chance to sleep in at all these days. I go to bed late and wake up early.

Brown's Bay has the yummiest ice-cream ever. I haven't had such yummy ice-cream in a long long long time. I loveee it.

OMG. I am a boring individual who's feeling so freaking bored right now. There is nothing to do at all. This is going to be the most excruciating summer ever, since I'm not even leaving the city at all. I'll be stuck in here for 2 whole months. Triple Ugh.

I demand a luxurious holiday in another urban city!

I love watercolour paintings.

I don't even have inspiration to blog about intellectual bullshit.

Yes, it's really that bad.

I am the #1 complaint queen in this entire universe.

Image: Blackjettas

Labels: life, personal, ramblings

I had to wake up at 9am this morning because Mr Z wanted to have a McDonald's breakfast. The weather's awesome today - hot and sunny - so I decided to wear a tee-shirt and a denim miniskirt. I had a bacon and egg bagel with white tea and a hash brown. He had a hunger buster with hot chocolate and extra hash browns.

Then, we were off to Dressmart.

By the way, it was Mr Z's idea to go down to Dressmart today. I think he wanted to shop and I think he wanted me to shop with him. He just went down on Sunday, so it must have been quite enjoyable for him to want to go back again within three days.

I've only been to Dressmart once and that was about 2 years ago, so I quite looking forward to this trip, since I was expecting great bargains and new shops (as Mr Z described to me and yes, he was right).

It's not a big space and the clothes are the norm but the prices are fabbity fab fab. I got some pretty decent bargains today. One of which I'm very very very proud of - a black purse from Just Jeans, with a sale price of about $5 (the original price was $15, or something like that, I think). I've had my eye on it for ages! But I've been putting off the purchase because I just knew the price will go down.. someday. And besides, I wasn't that desperate to have it. I didn't need it since I already have that GUESS wallet David bought me for my birthday this year. I just wanted it. And so.. it was mine! (:


We bought clothes too, of course. Mr Z got me two new tops. He also bought some new track pants and a top for himself.

I know I have plenty of clothes but being the greedy person I am, I always seem to want more and more and more. I think I might have to try and sell some of my other clothes, since I don't wear them anymore. Some of them are brand new too, with their price tags and labels still in tack. Yes, I know it's shocking.

I got some random stuff too - a couple of pink Nike wristbands, and a cute mug for Mr Z.
Don't ask me what the wristbands are for. It's a secret. And no, they're not for myself.. duh?

Well, it's been one extremely satisfying day.

Thank you, Jason.

x0x

Labels: boyfriend, personal, shopping