It's tough being christian.

I think I've slipped away quite a lot in the last 18 years of my life. I've drifted away, then come back on track again, then run away, and run back again.

It's been one vicious cycle.

I don't think there's any good reason for my slipping away. Because the truth is that I've been completely self-absorbed and self-orientated. I'm not going to defend myself and say that everything I've done is right and that I feel no guilt nor regret because that would be utterly untrue. I've done plenty wrong and will continue to make many mistakes.

It's not a sin to love youself, I guess.
However, I do think it's a sin to believe that the world revolves around you.

I've been extremely selfish and I've done numerous things purely for the benefit of myself and at the expense of others.

I've said alot of things that have hurt people too, things which were totally uncalled for and things which were nothing but pure lies.

I've also done things which are just plain wrong.

I've had debates and arguments about what is right and what is wrong. My idea of right/wrong is relative to what I believe in, or believe to be right/wrong, and how they measure up against my values. It's all been so very wharped because I've been so very wharped.

But that's all going to change, I hope.

I reckon I've sort of dug a hole for myself and brought all this misery upon myself because of my lack of knowledge and my lack of willingness to open up and receive.

I don't like being depressed and confused and I don't like crying myself to sleep all the time.

So this last week, I decided to stop putting things on hold.. to stop talking (something which I'm so good at doing) and start acting (something which I've failed to do so again and again).

ANYWAY, this time, I'm for real, eh?

No more sitting on the fence.
No more "Hey, I'm trying really hard. Give me another chance."
Because it's pathetic.

All I've been doing is walking around with this nice 'christian' label plastered all over me. But the reality is that I'm far from what I profess to be.

So I want to change.

Even if it means that I'm going to have to make some very difficult and painful choices.

Would you rather have nothing and feel peace within or have everything and feel unhappy?

I'd rather give up everything here and now.
I'd rather lose it all, to be honest.

And for once, I'm dead serious.

Images: Gettyimages

Labels: personal

This entry was posted on Sunday, November 26, 2006 at 8:27 pm.